A personal journey: navigating polar opposites 

Irene and I grew up in polar opposite family cultures. She was raised as one of eight children by a dad who was a naval officer prior to entering the world of commerce. Life was strict and militant, like a Von Trapp family experience without the singing. Every school report card was examined and critiqued. Anything under an “A” on her report card was queried with intensity. When a window was broken, or some other indiscretion occurred, and no one owned up, all eight kids were rounded up and each received a spanking because it would take too much time to find the actual culprit.

I, on the other hand, was one of two. At age eight, my dad asked me to call him “Mike” rather than “Dad” because he wanted to be a friend, not an authority figure. I don’t recall being asked about my school report card, ever! It wasn’t a complete hippie experience and we did go to church once as a family, but that was where our spiritual values training ended, as my dad was an agnostic/atheist and my mom was a struggling alcoholic. To say that Irene and I entered the parenting phase of life from the opposite extremes is not an exaggeration. 

As you can imagine, we had a hard time finding unity when approaching the multitude of decisions parents need to make regarding boundaries, discipline and nurturing of our children. We would approach each situation and equally be horrified at the starting point that the other proposed. I was sure Irene was trying to imitate the Gestapo and she thought I was advocating that the children raise themselves. Our solution to this dilemma was to try to out-argue and pull the other person to our side of each debate. Both of us felt the other was clearly in the wrong. A breakthrough took place when we had an open conversation about our upbringings and acknowledged the weaknesses of our own parenting biases. We quickly figured out we needed each other and only together did we make one good parent. We started each conversation with “I know I am inherently too strict” or in my case, “too permissive.” We wrestled to find the middle ground and relied on Scripture to guide our decisions. We had hundreds of conversations over the years and learned to embrace the best of each other’s approach.

It was not an easy process but the net result was a united front. Our children, Elena and Luke, never saw us differ in front of them. By God’s grace, they have both embraced their faith as disciples and are relationally close to their flawed parents, unaware that without this “divine tension,” their therapy bills would likely have been significant.

Biblical case studies

We can better understand these tensions by looking at the four primary parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved, and authoritative.

1. The authoritarian failure (high control, low warmth) 

King Saul’s relationship with Jonathan exemplifies the dangers of the authoritarian style. Saul ruled by fear. While Jonathan obeyed outwardly, the harsh control crushed the relationship.

Authoritarian parenting:

• Demands obedience
• Crushes relationship
• Produces fear, rebellion, and/or emotional distance

Beyond outward compliance, authoritarian parenting often breeds long-term relational fracture and hidden resentment. King Saul’s harsh, fear-based rule over Jonathan illustrates this danger vividly: his rash vows, explosive anger, and even death threats when Jonathan showed mercy or questioned him (1 Samuel 14:24-45; 20:30-33) created a home where obedience was extracted through intimidation rather than nurtured through love. While Jonathan remained outwardly loyal, the constant pressure crushed genuine affection and open communication, leaving little room for the warmth and relational security God intends.

This style, marked by high control and low warmth, risks provoking children to anger or discouragement (Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21), producing adults who may either rebel inwardly or become controlling themselves, rather than freely embracing God’s truth from a heart transformed by grace. True biblical authority, by contrast, always pairs strength with tenderness, mirroring our heavenly Father who disciplines those he loves without crushing their spirits.

2. The passive/permissive failure (low control, low expectations) 

On the other extreme, Eli, the high priest, failed through passivity. 1 Samuel 2–4

• He was the high priest of Israel, a spiritual leader. But as a father, he failed in a crucial area: discipline and accountability.

“No, my sons; the report I hear spreading among the LORD’s people is not good.” (1 Sam 2:24)

His sons, Hophni and Phinehas, abused their positions. Eli offered only a mild verbal rebuke when the situation demanded action. So this wasn’t ignorance. It was something more subtle and more dangerous. Passivity.

What his sons were doing:

• Stealing sacrifices meant for God (1 Samuel 2:12–17)
• Exploiting worshippers
• Engaging in sexual immorality at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting (1 Samuel 2:22)

These weren’t “teen mistakes.” This was sinful spiritual abuse. Yet Eli:

• Did not remove them from priestly service
• Did not restrain them
• Did not protect the people or God’s holiness

By this point, the damage was already deep. God sends a prophet with a chilling word: “Why do you honor your sons more than me…?” (1 Sam 2:29)

That sentence is the heart of the issue. Eli loved peace more than righteousness. He valued family comfort over faithful leadership. This wasn’t cruelty. It was misplaced mercy and spiritual neglect.

The consequences of Eli’s neglect were his sons’ death on the same day

• Hophni and Phinehas are killed in battle (1 Sam 4:11)
• The Ark of the Covenant is captured

Their sin didn’t just affect them — it affected the entire nation.

Eli valued family comfort over righteousness, resulting in the death of his sons and the loss of the Ark of the Covenant.

3. The goal: authoritative and relational (high expectations, high warmth)

God wants us to raise our children with intention, love and a firm hand. The world is desperately trying to influence your children to adopt its values. We have to be a counter-balance to this influence, instructing them in a different worldview. This is not easy and will not happen by accident. The Jewish Shema describes the effort required of parents to guide their children onto a godly path.

“Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one [the only God]! You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and mind and with all your soul and with all your strength [your entire being]. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be [written] on your heart and mind. You shall teach them diligently to your children [impressing God’s precepts on their minds and penetrating their hearts with His truths] and shall speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up. And you shall bind them as a sign on your hand (forearm), and they shall be used as bands (frontals, frontlets) on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” – Deuteronomy 6:4–9 (AMP)

• The highlights of this passage are clear: firstly be an example to your children of someone loving God deeply.
• Then teach God’s precepts diligently, regularly and with enough conviction to penetrate our children’s hearts with his truths.

The book of Proverbs further amplifies parental involvement and intentionality in shaping their children:

Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline [correction administered with godly wisdom and lovingkindness] will remove it far from him. – Proverbs 22:15 (AMP)

Do not withhold discipline from the child; If you swat him with a reed-like rod [applied with godly wisdom], he will not die. You shall swat him with the rod [applied with godly wisdom] And rescue his life from Sheol (the nether world, the place of the dead). – Proverbs 23:13–14 (AMP)

The rod and reproof (godly instruction) give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. – Proverbs 29:15 (AMP)

This is unambiguously teaching directly against the passive/uninvolved model and requiring character shaping interactions between a parent and their children.

Finally, Ephesians directs the ‘how’ of this spiritual training process:

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favouritism or indifference to any of them], but bring them up [tenderly, with lovingkindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4 (AMP)

Being firm and kind, strong and gentle, involved but not controlling, holy but merciful, relational but authoritative – this is the way. And this is why parenting is the hardest job on the planet.

In today’s world, to get any undergraduate degree it requires approximately 60,000 pages of reading. If you want to become an accountant, lawyer or engineer it requires three to four years of studying and multiple exams to access your grasp of the material. To drive a car there are booklets to read, learners tests, a trial period (up to a year) with a mentoring co-driver and a final practical exam.

• Incredibly, to become a parent: Zero reading, zero tests and zero training.
• The hardest and arguably most important task of our adult lives has no formal instruction!

So, parents, make it a top priority to educate yourselves. Read lots of books. Just one read per year over 20 years gives you a library of direction and wisdom. Seek advice from other parents that have had some success in passing on their faith to their children. Go to church parenting workshops. Learn how to adapt different styles to situations and the personalities of your children. Aim to be a better student of parenting than you are of your profession!

Conclusion and application

Embracing divine tension can revolutionize your parenting. It guards against one-sided approaches that lead families astray. While there are no perfect parents, your combined efforts with biblical models provides borders that define the path of godly upbringing.

Whether exploring discipline methods, screen time, education choices, or any family dynamic, always ask: What holds this issue in tension? Also take the time to identify what fears could lead you to the extremes of passivity or authoritarianism? Until we have found the tension, we do not have the fullness of God’s wisdom. By embracing this balance, we mirror the character of God—firm in truth yet gracious in relationship.

Parenting Styles Comparison:

See our sermon related to training our children:

Some reading recommendations:

• Raising Awesome Kids – Reloaded: Sam and Geri Laing (A practical Christian guide that equips parents to become the most influential force in their children’s lives)
• Shepherding a Child’s Heart: Paul Tripp (This book teaches parents to address the heart issues behind their child’s behavior rather than just outward actions)
• Family First: Dr Phil (Understanding the pros and cons of different parenting styles)
• Good Enough Parenting: John & Karen Louis (Help parents meet their children’s core emotional needs, avoid exasperating them, repair relationships after conflict)
• Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle: Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker (A biblical resource that guides parents through honest, age-appropriate conversations with their sons about sexual integrity, puberty, pornography, peer pressure, and building a life of purity and respect.)
• Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle: Shannon Ethridge (Age-appropriate tools and conversation starters to talk openly and honestly with daughters about sexuality, emotional integrity, purity, dating, and guarding the heart and mind in a sex-saturated culture.)
• Impress them on Your Children: Justin & Irene Renton (A fun, visually-oriented tool to help parents train their children to know God’s Word.)
• Parenting isn’t for Cowards: Dr James Dobson (Encouraging, no-nonsense advice for hassled parents on raising strong-willed children, maintaining sanity, building strong relationships, and banishing parental guilt.
• Parenting with Love & Logic Foster Cline and Jim Fay (Training your children to make good decisions)
• Biblical Parenting: Dave & Tammy Ryter (Scripture-based guidance from their years of facilitating parenting courses to help families align their child-rearing with biblical principles in community and daily life.

Divine Tension: Embracing the Fullness of God’s Truth (Part 4)

Embracing Divine Tension: Doves and Snakes (Part 6)